 |
|
|
Archive:
|
|
| Special Feature |
| GUILTY PLEASURE, GUILTY PAIN Olmsted's Rental Guide to Hell O.K., it's a weak moment, you want to watch some mindless horror or science fiction film that you'd never shell out the bucks for to go to the theater and see. There it is, available in DVD and video, and maybe you're home sick, yeah, that's your excuse, and yes, you are weak because you feel like shit, and you say, "What the fuck?", and that demonic force that waits in the aisles of the video store (or now over the net if you get kozmo.com) forces your hand to choose against your better judgement. You pick the fucking dog that is worse than staring at the goddamn walls contemplating the grave with a head full of snot. So my mission here, dear reader, is to try to warn you away from the sins I have stupidly committed. Don't go there, my friend, the albatross hanging around my neck is stinking like the rotting end it is and I say, don't go there, watch something you've already seen, it doesn't have to be a classic, it doesn't have to be intelligent or foreign, you can watch THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON again, but don't, I repeat DON'T see these movies: |
| THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE (New Line) Jeezuz what a bad film! The only thing of interest is watching Johnny Depp's Southern good `ole boy astronaut, highly reminiscent of Brando in THE CHASE. It's ALIEN meets ROSEMARY'S BABY, see, that was the pitch meeting and maybe they weren't on coke at the time. But no amount of cocaine could save anyone once this picture begins to unfold. How clearly one will understand Polanski's original ROSEMARY genius in managing to have such oppressive tension when so little is really happening. Here we are witness to a car accident of tedium. We see something slimy at the end but my god you will have paid for it. One of my favorite elements of my DVD player is glancing up to see how much time is left. I did a lot of glancing here. |
| LAKE PLACID (20th Century Fox) This one is so marginally tolerable you could ALMOST give in - fuck it, wait for it to show up on cable, blundered upon by channel surfing, and stand it for whatever length you deem worthy. It will seem fun then. Rent it, and your pizza arrives lukewarm. The good news: the computer animated crocodile is very cool (it looks like an alligator, frankly - doesn't seem to have that long needle-nosed snout but maybe ALLIGATOR's New Line could have sued if they said it was the same reptile - they're already getting away with derivative murder). Some good gore - imagine ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS on an A-budget - down to pulling in the body from the boat and his head is gone. The back of the box says "This year's ANACONDA." Well, it looks much better than that cartoony snake, but it is very short on the demented humor of ANACONDA, we need Jon Voigt doing a Ricky Ricardo voice ("...before yer veins essplode!"). It is funny, but the humor is not much funnier than Richard Dreyfus yelling "Turkey!" out of his truck in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. Maybe that had you rolling in the aisles. I like it a lot more twisted, my dear. They thought they were going for twisted, but the big bucks have ridden this one a little too closely. Remember the original ALLIGTOR had a John Sayles script and starred Robert Forster. It's better. |
| BATS (Columbia Tristar Home Video) Dreary. Some clever montage suited for the trailer - think PSYCHO shower scene cutting with bats in a closed car. A very tiresome anamorphic point-of-bat's-view shot used over and over. A dull mad scientist role aching for Dennis Hopper. Lou Diamond Philips is miscast and bored in a part better suited for Bill Pullman (which he does in LAKE PLACID). Jimmy Sands, as Leon, is a quite genuine comic relief; almost like the guy in the audience commenting on the movie loudly, but subversively. He is filling an increasingly common role, the black guy who, it is clear, will never get the girl and is treated like an intelligent pet, a hip-hop variation of Stepin Fetchit almost to the point of "feets don't fail me now." (Check DEEP BLUE SEA for another example of this). The bats, however rubbery and hideous, are the ones we're rooting for and I hated seeing them get splattered and crushed all the time. Unless your kicks involve shooting rats at the junkyard, you may feel the same. |
| STIGMATA (MGM Home Entertainment) What if Christ's energy came back as a post-punk woman hair dresser? What was that pitch meeting like? It's not the Devil this time, even if it looks it from the trailer, it's Christ, dig it, but a new pagan Christ that's actually the old primordial Christ and the Church wants you to have nothing to do with Him. Patricia Arquette has stigmata just like St. Francis of Assisi but she gets wounds in her wrists because this is historically accurate stigmata, you see, even though all the saints got stigmata wounds in the palms of their hands. Gabriel Byrne looks a lot like Jason Miller in a priest collar and does pretty much the same thing - earnest tortured looks. Just what the fuck is going on here? Perhaps more is explained by the neighbor's name above our hair-dresser's door buzzer to her vastly expensive trendy loft apartment: P. SMITH. Oh, I get it, it's the heroin Easter menstrual blood poetry rock'n'roll nigger Holy Ghost dove Christ we're talking here. And here I thought it was just plain Jesus. All this done with a similar earnestness as in Boorman's EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC. But you can watch that one over and over, if only just to hear Burton drunkenly mouthing "The sow is mine!" No such campy besotted fun here. Of vague interest: you can watch the director's alternative ending actually spliced in directly instead of stored in "Special Features". Or watch it with the theatrical release ending (which is less MTV-overwrought). A first, as far as I know. Also, the copy I saw has Arquette floating in some sort of sexy mystical crucifixion pose on the cover. Blockbuster's copy has only her face. No surprise there. [ed. note: I was reading your STIGMATA review, and while I agree it was a horrid film, I did get sucked into seeing it too, and maybe because I'm Catholic, I got a different story line. Arquette is actually inhabited by the spirit of the priest that was translating the hidden gospels. Her mother buys the rosary stolen from the priest's body from the little kid who stole it and sends it to Arquette, and poof, priest possession (though they don't go as far as to say that). The possessor's goal is to make sure the hidden gospels are heard, hence Byrne's promise to do so when he is asking the priest to leave her body. These gospels reveal that you don't need to go through a priest to talk to Christ (a major foundation of the Catholic Church). While this does not sound revolutionary to some, it is a big deal for Catholic's. Stigmata are the wounds of Christ, but they are received by the most holy and supposedly this priest that has possessed Arquette was one of the chosen so his stigmata was affected upon her...but the possessed by Christ thing is interesting. --Carlye Archibeque. Clearly you are correct and followed STIGMATA way closer than I did. Thanks. -- Olmsted] So there you have it. As Lugosi says in GLEN OR GLENDA: "Bevare!" Conjured from the Astro-Hell of DVD's, I remain your humble servant. Marc Olmsted |
| Reviews |
|
THE BIRDS |
|
| Reviews (cont'd) |
| LOVE IS THE DEVIL John Maybury, Director Strand Home Video [Video] The first lines of dialogue spoken by Derek Jacobi's Francis Bacon are, like most of the film, cold and sexual at the same time. George, a small time hood and hustler (and a damned good looking one at that) has fallen through the skylight of Bacon's workshop. Bacon, who has come to investigate the noise, takes one look at George and says, "Take your clothes off and come to bed, and you can have anything you want." George takes a beat and then takes his clothes off. What follows is a messy tale of obsession and desire and the inability of any of the characters to fully enjoy either without a lot of pain, both physical and spiritual, being involved. The films scenes are colored by images from Bacon's paintings. The filmmakers were denied use of Bacon's actual works, but the live action montages and installment pieces that call to mind the artist's work are, in some ways, more affective than the real thing. Bacon's turmoil at being unable to love George and George's slow mental unraveling at being unable to make the artist love him is like watching cliché scenes from traffic school films (and who doesn't love that?) The end is as inevitable as any death and the last sequence with Jacobi which lets the viewer know that Bacon has gotten away with nothing and that his emptiness is so monumental no one could have filled it. Those looking for historical information about Bacon will be disappointed, but those interested in character and personality will enjoy the dance. The acting is first rate. Jacobi, as always, turns in an apparently effortless performance as only a hard working actor can. And Daniel Craig as George makes us believe that this strapping mutt of a lad longs for the love of his master with the dedication only the dispossessed can have. Recommended for those who love traffic school and high art. Jane Hinde |
| MONSTER RANCHER Episodes 1-6 Anchor Bay [Video] While at first the MONSTER RANCHER videos might appear to be a clone of Pokemon, there are several pleasant differences that quickly become apparent. The main character makes friends with the monsters he runs across rather than the subtle theme of control and domination that runs through Pokemon. At no time do we see them disappear into safe little containers that could easily be mistaken for fashion accessories, but instead our main protagonist, Genchi, experiences the world along with them. Hunger, thirst, the injuries of battles...these are experiences that are shared among the group of characters. What we have in these initial two videos is essentially an introduction to the world of Monster Rancher. As the viewer moves through the six episodes, we make the acquaintance of the young girl, Holly and the five monsters that will accompany Genchi through the rest of the series. Holly fulfills the role of a priest or holy seer with her possession of the magic stone which, while it may generally guide them in the direction of the great phoenix that will regenerate their world, does not tell exactly what do or how to do it. Such choices are left directly in their hands. The monsters Holly and Genchi travel with -- Suezo, Mocchi, Golem, Hare, and Tiger of the Wind -- are almost classic archetypes of the Joseph Campbell variety, each one representing somewhat exaggerated facets of a mature personality. While it may well be hidden under the flashy battles and displays of "special attacks" that are also part of the series, a common theme that runs through these initial episodes is one of accommodation, solidarity and even forgiveness. Each of the characters learns, as the episodes progress, that the goals that they wish to achieve, be it the grand goal of freeing their world from the villainous Moo, (a not terribly fearsome name that I fear slides past the translators of this series), to simple accumulation of riches, are best achieved by working with the other members of the group. The theme of heroic self-sufficiency receives very short thrift here, particularly in the fourth episode where we encounter a decidedly callous man named Allan, whose pride demands that he dominate and abuse the Worm monster that he claims to own, instead of befriending it as Genchi has his companions. While the language may be somewhat irritating, with it's talk of "goodies" and "baddies", and the hand of commercial censorship is all too visible in the "lost monster" tombstones, there is a degree of social and personal evolution present in the Monster Rancher series that I was honestly not expecting to find when I initially sat down to review it. David Cooper |
| SECRET AGENT Alfred Hitchcock, Director Laserlight [DVD] Well, the folks at Laserlight have given us another affordable forgotten classic by the Master, but the box is wrong. Hitchcock's 1936 film is based on W. Somerset Maugham's ASHDEN and not a book by Hitchcock's muse, Daphne Du Maurier. Maughm's book is credited with setting the standard for the spy genre. Maughm adapted his own war experiences as an agent into his 1928 fictional book. Though I would argue that G.K. Chesterton's 1908 book, THE MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY is the first true spy book. Ian Flemming was clearly influenced by both Maughm's international service orientated intrigue and Chesterton's gadgetry and secret societies. Sir John Gielgud plays a British spy who returns to London to find his own death reported in the papers. British military agent "R" has arranged for his death to give him better cover for his next mission. Upon arriving in Switzerland for this new mission, he discovers a lovely female agent in his hotel room, posing as his wife. They are joined by a crazy Mexican General, who is neither Mexican nor a General. The role is played with panache by Peter Lorre. The happy trio is pestered by an American Playboy, played by Robert Young. Young and Lorre give great comic performances. An entertaining piece by itself, "Secret Agent" exhibits Hitchcock's not yet realized genius. Beware the vapid introduction by Tony Curtis. Poorly written and apparently performed just after Tony's happy hour, the intro could actually detract from the film. As more frosting, the DVD includes the original theatrical trailer for the 1955 version of THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH. In this rare instance, the cake is much better than the frosting. Jack Sanderson |
| THE SKIN GAME Alfred Hitchcock, Director Laserlight [DVD] In 1931 talkie films were still fairly new. Alfred Hitchcock's THE SKIN GAME may take a few scenes for your ears to adjust to the odd sound quality, but I assume this is as good as the sound gets. Based on the play of the same name, THE SKIN GAME represents the kind of material Hitchcock grew up with; English melodrama. Two families battle for control of the land in a small English town. The excitement percolates from a land auction, threatened tenants and blackmail. The plot contains the rarely seen device of neither family being very nice. Hemmed in by the constraints of the play, most everything happens in two drawing rooms with a lot of time spent on entrances and thoughtful looks. If it wasn't one of the master's early pieces, it may never have seen the light of day. If you're a Hitchcock fan, you'll be entertained. The Laserlight Edition includes an introduction by Tony Curtis, looking like he just stepped out of the Hollywood Wax Museum. The disc also has the original DIAL M FOR MURDER trailer with a chubby jowl-ed bland intro from Tony. Laserlight deserves some credit for nice pricing, but don't be fooled. In my perpetual perusal of DVD's in various stores, I've seen the price on this range from $7.50 to $23.00. That's right, up to a 200% mark-up. Shame on those stores. Jack Sanderson |
 |
 |